Reasons not to date me

• Chances are at whatever time you are reading this, day or night, my underwear is showing.

• I was totally serious about that leg hair thing.
  

• I am allergic to the following:

• raw apples, peaches, pears, plums, apricots, nectarines, cherries, carrots, almonds
• cats (raw or otherwise)
• artificial food colouring
  
• Spring
  
• vacuuming

• I often forget that I am allergic to most of the above until it is too late.

• I have freakishly long appendages, and almost no torso to speak of. If I were a grasshopper, I'd look ridiculous.*
  

• I haven't posted a drawring in ages.

• I am prone to the overuse of parentheses. (See below).

~sgm seeks team of hair removal specialist for LTR, must have own tools

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*As it is, I am a human being (not a highly intelligent mango as I have led you to believe), and I still look ridiculous. But unlike a grasshopper (or a mango), I can create the illusion of having a somewhat normal torso-to-leg-proportionality with cunning use of extra-long rib-knit tanks.** I've given up on trying to disguise my orangutan arms, and have just taken to wearing knuckle guards so I don't get too scraped up.

**And yet my underwear still manages to reveal itself over the top of my pants. This is a mystery to me.

Missed Connections

You: Sunday afternoon nap in my unbelievably comfortable bed.

Me: Sleep-deprived mango on a spontaneous walk with two girlfriends. I am miserable without you. Let's try again next week? E-mail me if you see this.

~g. mango is looking forward to the sweet, sweet bed-head

Global Warming is broken

Global Warming has been cancelled this week.

Yesterday it hailed in Vancouver. Today it is expected to snow. I am about to embark on a journey to the grocery store in two-degree weather. In Vancouver. At the end of March. And this after walking around in shorts and a t-shirt in February, the spring wind blowing through my leg hair and upsetting my bowl of organic, communist granola.

Please write your MPs.

~g.mango is layering up like an onion

How to Fill those Unending Hours: A Guide to Productive Unemployment

1. Learn how to do things by yourself. Now that you're unemployed, you have tonnes of time on your hands. Your friends, God bless them, are still happily employed and likely won't be able to skip their weekly staff meeting to play mini golf on Wednesday morning. You can still hang out with them in the evenings if you haven't tired yourself out with all the exciting one-on-none activities you have crammed into your day.

2. Go to all those places you always wished you could go, but never had time to when you had a job. Best case scenario: everything you always wanted to do doesn't cost any money. 'Cause let's face it, it's not like you're bringing in anything that could be classified as an income (even in jest). For future reference the Science Centre, IMAX Theatre, neighbourhood comedy club, and community centre photography class all cost money. It would be wise to avoid these. Try the library, or the mental hospital.

3. Spend time with your pets! You've neglected them for so long. Now's a great time to start walking your dog twelve times a day. Don't have a pet? Beg, borrow, or steal one. I was out of town this weekend, so I improvised and contracted some bed bugs. They aren't fuzzy and furry like a puppy, but they sure are friendly. Why, one of them "kissed" me thirty times during my two hour nap. I had a nasty reaction to those kisses and am now covered in golf-ball sized pustules and vesicles. But the doctor has me on a lovely drug cocktail to counter the symptoms, and at least I got some quality time in with some of nature's lesser creatures.

4. Cry. Cry yourself to sleep. Cry when you are sending out resumes. Cry when you are playing mini golf by yourself for the third week in a row. Cry when your are in the library reading self-help books that you are too embarrassed to check out in case your friends ever happen to remember you exist and come over one day after work for water and ramen noodles. Cry because you are covered in giant, red blotches that make you irritable, and unpresentable even if someone were to actually call you in for an interview.
   
   
5. Write some lists.

~g. mango is overdue for an after dinner drug cocktail