I have never really been a fan of the North American Free Trade Agreement until very recently. It seems a bit suspicious when a giant, knuckle-headed bully wants to strike a deal on the playground with the scrawny math geek. Imagine that conversation.
--
Outside a school, near a playground.
GKB: Hey twerp. How 'bout a knuckle sandwich?*
SMG: Uh. . .
GKB grabs SMG by the collar
SMG: PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! I'll do anything!
GKB: Anything? I know how 'bout we make a deal?
SMG: Yes, absolutely.
GKB: I won't punch you in the face if you'll do my math homework for the rest of the year. Everybody wins.
SMG: Wait, you won't punch me in the face right now, or today, or ever?
GKB: Yes.
SMG: Which one is it?
GKB pulls SMG closer, and gives a menacing look.
SMG:
(Exasperated) Okay, fine, it's a deal.
GKB: It's been a pleasure doing business with you.
GKB winds up and plants one on SMG's face.
SMG lands on the ground in a daze.
Exit GKB
End scene.
Next Scene
SMG sits at a desk in his poorly lit room, with a black eye, working diligently on two sets of math assignments. . .--
And that's pretty much how it's been with Canada and the US (and Mexico, remember them?). NAFTA was supposed to be a mutually-beneficial thinger dinger. But, not surprisingly, the US always comes out on top. And when the US decides something isn't right, it turns into a petulant child -- or possibly a sumo wrestler. Either way, there is a lot of weight being thrown around and lots of political tantrums and sooner or later somebody loses a softwood lumber industry.
And what does poor, little Canada do? Not much. We get our sweater vests in a knot, cry foul, and keep trading our resources away. Not the bravest math geeks in the bunch, the Canucks. Which is probably why the US picked us to partner up with in the first place.
But this fall all that is going to change. For once there is the possibility for a trade that would be truly mutually-beneficial. As both countries are in the midst of preparing to go to the polls, there is something we can do to make Americans happy and Canadians ecstatic.
I'm proposing trading Stephen Harper for Barack Obama.
It's no secret that Stephen Harper has been playing by the Republican rule book since before he was elected Canadian Prime Minister. In fact, he's better at it than the real Republicans are. McCain is an all right presidential candidate, but he's a little on the moderate side for the staunch right-wingers. And he's kind of homely. Stephen Harper is a Conservative's Conservative. And he's easy on the eyes. Sort of. Plus, even the most generous predictions for the Canadian elections have Harper scrounging up just enough votes for another minority government. But you can bet that he'll boost Republican votes with his pro-war, anti-gay, fiscally conservative despotism.
As for Obama, he's beginning to lose popularity south of the border. But I've seen more Obama '08 bumper stickers 'round these parts than I've seen for any Canadian politician in recent memory. Obama currently has more Canadian supporters than the Liberals and the NDP combined.** The people have spoken. Give us Barack. We don't want Harper back.
~g. mango is bam! right in the kisser.
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* Knuckle sandwich? When was this confrontation going down, anyway? 1954?
**According to an informal poll conducted be the G. Mango Research Group of the people currently in my apartment at press time.
