Reasons not to date me

• My first celebrity crush, at five years-old, was Tom Selleck. (Or more accurately, Magnum PI.)

• I am unnaturally good at word games, and will school you without shame.

• I try to avoid playing games that are picture-based, and when I do play them, I am often in a sour mood on account of my terrific ability to lose. Every. Single. Time.

• I think carbon offsets are dumb, but social and environmental responsibility are rad!

• Typewriters? Also rad.

• The word rad? Lame. Dated. And an essential part of my vernacular.
  

• I get a lot of satisfaction when my dentist compliments my flossing habits.

• Children's Lit is my favourite kind of lit. I only read Grown-up Lit if it is exceptionally well-written, or if it will teach me something new.

• I will read picture books to you at the most inopportune times.

• I end lists abruptly.

~g. mango is rad to the bone

Better late than never

Dear Santa,

I have been very good this year. I brushed my teeth almost everyday, except for Tuesdays, and flossed on alternate Fridays. I have been very diligent in sharing (especially my cold germs and left –wing ideas.).* One time I let an old man have my seat on the bus, but that’s mostly because I thought I had to get off at the next stop. It turns out I didn’t have to get off until four stops down the line. But when I asked for my seat back, he didn’t want to give it up. (Please give him coal for Christmas).*

I left some black cake and sorrel for you on the table and some high fibre reindeer pellets for the boys on the roof. If you want anything else you can rummage around in my Dad’s top drawer. That’s where he keeps all his candy (and his harmonicas, too.)*

Please note that if you brought any of my sister's presents here that she is in Korea. Not the bad Korea with the Great Leader, the good Korea with the All Right Leader. She may not have been able to send you her Christmas list because she is so busy teaching English to starving children in Africa. So just in case you don’t know, she would like some almond butter, some fudge, a word puzzle, some prophylactics, and a lash in her tail. Anything else you can think of? Anyway, I need some gloves and a new ribbon for my typewriter.** I am much less greedy than my sister. In fact, please give her coal for Christmas as well.

Please note that my two useless teenage sisters, who are sleeping down the hall, have chosen not to write you a letter or set out any snacks for you. Again, I suggest coal.

Love,

Green Mango

* See below.

** (Also a grammar book would be nice so I can find out if I should close brackets before or a after a period).)